it's tired..

it's difficult sometimes.. to wake up having to accept that certain people are just not there anymore..

for the longest time i've been trying to keep my heart protected..
but i feel like it's gone through beatings after beatings this year..
i've learnt to keep certain feelings in a box and let my tears flow only when they leak out at certain times of the night..
i cried when i shower so the tears are just like the water flowing over my head and down my cheeks and the sobs are drowned so only i can hear myself..
but i feel like i'm so used to wanting to be in control of what i feel that i don't know what to do now..

she's my greatest loss thus far..

that time:
i fall asleep with a broken heart..
wake up feeling better..
and wanting to be happy again

this time:
i fall asleep with a broken heart..
wake up feeling sad..
and i don't want this to stop